Oh dearest fuckboys.
They come into your life and they leave your life. They float back in some days/weeks/months maybe years later and then they run back out three hours later.
You can bet your bottom dollar that you’ll just start to move on with your life, start smiling again and going out with your friends more, and, poof, what a surprise, they hit you up with the “Hey, I miss you” text and your emotions are, once again, in a jumbled heap on the floor.
*insert eye roll here*
Surprisingly enough, I’d never come across a fuckboy – or, as I like to call them, boys with massive egos and embarrassingly small dicks – until earlier this year, so I was quite frankly a puzzled parrot (no idea why I chose parrot but I’m a sucker for alliteration) when this peculiar specimen sauntered into my life, messed some shit up – including my heart – and left again.
I wasn’t wise to the games, I couldn’t quite piece the puzzle together, I was excellent at ignoring the warning signs and when it came to making up ridiculous excuses for his vile behaviour – I was an A* student, hons.
What I went through earlier this year was literally soul destroying – my emotions were all over the place, I felt like I was going insane and my confidence plunged deeper than my future grave – but, looking back on it now, I don’t regret any of that shit FB put me through because:
- It taught me who my real friends were
- It showed me I can be strong when you feel like a dandelion in the wind
- It encouraged me to protect my heart
- It made me more cautious of who to trust
- It lead me to a real man
So, with that in mind angels, I’ve put together a list of warning signs to look out for when you think you’ve accidentally let a FB a little too close to your heart.
He showers you with compliments early on
“You’re not like any of the other girls I’ve dated before,” “You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen,” “I’ll never leave you,” “Oh your mood swings don’t bother me, I’ll stick by you.”
Sound familiar? Mmm..
A lot of guys are actually quite shy when they first get to know a girl and they’re not ready to throw their feelings out on the line like that for fear of rejection. Difference between a real man and a FB? FBs don’t care if they get rejected. Why? They’ve got 20 other girls in their phone book, who if they hit up at 12am, will be happy to stroke their ego among other things…
You’re fighting for his time
In the beginning he’ll be driving 50 minutes to your house after he’s finished work at 10pm just to spend an hour with you – and he doesn’t even mind if you don’t have sex. This is the part where he reels you in. He’s trying to make you feel special and gain control. Once he’s got you wrapped around his little finger, he’ll start testing the water. He’ll start backing away (usually because he’s started to work on another innocent girl) because, naturally, us girls start to chase. You’ll be asking when you can see him next – and he’s fucking loving this hons, loving it!
He lets you down
“Oh yeah babe, I’ll be round about 8pm. I’m just leaving now.” 8pm arrives and 8pm leaves… still no show. Oh and surprise surprise he doesn’t answer his phone either. Don’t get me wrong, things do crop up – like a family emergency – but it’s common courtesy to let the other person know you won’t be coming. A text takes 60 seconds, if that, to write and saves a lot of stress on the other person’s end. If he lets you down or stands you up more than once, run for the door, close it behind you, secure 50 padlocks, pile a million chairs in front of it and don’t look back.
You question his feelings/don’t know where you stand
You will know if the guy you’re talking to/dating is interested in you for the right reasons. There won’t even be a doubt in your mind about whether he’s into you or messaging other girls behind your back because his actions will coincide with his words. He’ll ask you about your life, your friends, you job and want to fix any problems you’re dealing with to make you smile again.
He stops contacting you
Do you only hear from him between 9am and 6pm during the week and 10pm through to 6am at the weekend? Yeah? Ah damn, he’s got a girlfriend hon. And if he doesn’t have a girlfriend, he’s spending the evening with someone he’s desperate to keep his dirty little secret from. We live in the 21st century, everyone is glued to their phones!
He switches off his notifications
Ever wondered why he’s spent the entire weekend with you and his phone hasn’t gone off once? He’s switched off his notifications. Why? Because he doesn’t want all his hoes popping up when he’s trying to sweet talk you into bed. If you’re not sure if he’s switched his notifications off or whether he’s just got no friends, send him a sexy message when he’s in the bathroom. If it doesn’t come through on his phone… well, you’ve answered your own question.
He’s still on dating sites
So you’ve been seeing each other for around six months now and he’s still swiping left (or is it right?) for that busty blonde? In fact, you’ve probably noticed he’s still signing into his dating account seven times a day, right? Have a discussion with him before you blow your lid – tell him you feel you’re getting more serious now and feel you should both delete your dating profiles. If he says no or he’ll “do it later”, dump him. Because, hon, if a guy is really into you, he won’t be doing anything that could jeopardise a potential relationship with you.
He’s lied about everything
You thought he was 26 but he’s actually 29, you thought his name was … but it’s actually ….., you thought he worked for this company but he actually does this. You feel so stupid, right? Why do people lie? To hide the truth. Why would a FB hide the truth from you?
- He doesn’t want you to track him down when he destroys your life
- He has a wife and kids and they can’t find out about his side chick
- He’s embarrassed by his real life and prefers to live a fantasy
- He’s fucking delusional
He has two phones
There are only three reasons, in my opinion, why someone will have two phones.
- He’s a drug dealer
- He has a job that involves giving out his number and he’d rather keep his personal private
- He has a wife/girlfriend and she can’t be finding the sexy pics he’s been sent on his phone
He claims he doesn’t have social media
Don’t get me wrong, some people don’t have social media. My best friend doesn’t have social media but when he claims he doesn’t have Instagram and then you see him scrolling through his feed while you’re making him a cup of tea… CUE THE RED FLAG HONEY!
You’ve only met one or two of his mates
Guys have loads of mates. They have groups over here, groups over there, and they dabble between them but if he’s not willing to introduce you to any of them or he’ll only let you meet the same one over and over again – that’s fishy behaviour and you don’t want to waste any more time waiting for it to rot! Get yo’self out of there angels!
You’ve never been on a date night
If his idea of “date night” is watching a movie and chilling at yours every single week, then he might as well walk up on stage and collect his fuckboy medal right now.
Guys like seeing how girls behave in different environments, they want to see you smile, they want to have a laugh with you and they usually like to show off their competitiveness. Sure, cuddling on the sofa in front of the TV is great but not every single time you meet.
He skirts around the relationship conversation
So you’ve been seeing each other for a little while now and you’ve shagged more times than you can remember but when you ask him where he sees this going, he says: “Oh, I’m just going with the flow. Let’s not rush anything, I’m not ready for a relationship.”
What he’s basically saying is: “You’re cool to have sex with but I don’t want anything more because I’ll have to cut off all the other girls I’ve got on the go and I can’t do that yet.”
He bad mouths his ex-girlfriends
“Oh they were psycho,” “they were bitches,” blah blah blah. I get that relationships can end on bitter terms but they can’t ALL be “psycho” and, if they are, he probably turned them that way.
He can’t recall any basic facts about you
You had a deep conversation when you first met about your surname, your birthday, how many siblings you have, where you grew up etc… but he can’t remember any of that now. A guy that’s genuinely interested in you for the right reasons will be able to recite some of the facts you told him – maybe not all of them because he’s not a human dictaphone but at least one or two.
So hons, they’re the telltale signs you’re dealing with a fuckboy. If your guy does any of these things, get rid! And I promise you, you will meet someone who respects you and your time and falls in love with your brain, your laugh, your creativity and your flaws – not your vagina!
Love and hugs x