I’m approximately 24 hours from coming on my period.
This month, bizarrely, I’m really struggling to keep a hat on my emotions. I literally feel like I’m a boiling hot pan about to bubble over the edge. But not just a gentle tipple over. Oh no. Imagine a huge fucking tsunami in a pot and times that by 100 – that’s me right now!
I’ve got yet another stinking cold – I can’t breathe through my nose, my mouth tastes like the Sahara Desert, I’ve got spots popping up all over my face and my nose is so red Santa could recruit me as his new leading reindeer (soz about that Rudolph) – I’m slightly hungover, I’m a little bit hungry and I’ve had to listen to Last Christmas play over and over again ridiculously loud outside my flat due to a cruddy Christmas Fayre that no one warned me about.
Why am I so angry? I don’t know.
But my stomach feels like it’s been tangled up in knots and someone is slowly but surely pulling the leading thread to the point my organs have now become a jumbled mess and are bursting through the gaps in my ribcage. My mind is so frantic that I can see a pingpong ball being tossed off the sides of my brain with such force that the plastic has split, and I’m frowning so much I’ve actually given myself a headache (that could be the hangover though, probs is tbh.)
I’ve moved from my bed, to the sofa, to the bath, to my bed again and then back to the sofa. I’ve flicked through Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Facebook countless times and I’ve messaged so many people – including my mum, the bestie and him – and NO ONE is replying.
What are they all doing? Why won’t anyone give me attention? What have I done? Even my rabbits are more interested in eating their hay than cuddling me.
As the evening is drawing in, that knot in my stomach is getting so bad I can feel vomit creeping up my esophagus. I feel like someone has ripped my heart out of my chest and lobbed it in front of a moving train, and the blood is rushing around my body so fast that I’m getting waves of dizziness. I want to cry – because maybe that will relieve my mind – but my eyes are dry.
Now that I’ve got to the end of this post, I actually feel a lot better.
I still can’t tell you why I’m feeling so weird. Maybe my mind needed some time to get my shit together? Maybe it was God’s way of encouraging me to get back into blogging? Maybe I had so much going on in my head and heart that my body had started to crash?
Whatever the reason, I guess it’s just one of them days. When I started writing this post 10 minutes ago, I felt so shit about myself; I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him, I had convinced myself that I wasn’t a priority for my mum and I was adamant that no one would miss me if I just jumped on a plane and ran away.
Fast forward to 14 minutes 40 seconds and I feel semi-back to normal. I’ve flicked my phone onto flight mode, I’ve got snuggled up in my PJs, stuck a Christmas movie on, lit some candles and I’m making my lunch for tomorrow.
Moral of the story:
It’s OK to feel sad, it’s OK to wallow in your own sorrow, it’s OK to feel agitated and frustrated, and it’s OK to feel at a dead end – as long as you promise yourself you’ll wake up tomorrow and put today behind you.
Although it feels like your emotions are running rings around you sometimes, remember that YOU have the remote control in your hand. You’re only as sad as you make yourself believe you are. And, ultimately, you have to experience low days in order to appreciate the good ones.
If you’ve got to the end of this post, thank you so much for reading my ramble! I feel like I’ve just exploded my thoughts and feelings onto this page – and I doubt it makes sense – but it was necessary for me to do so because it’s allowed me to untie the rope in my stomach, replace the pingpong ball with a brand new one and turn my frown into a smile.
I love you guys so much xxx
“Storms don’t last forever.”