Have you ever had one of those epiphany-like moments? That life-changing thought that comes in from out of nowhere and smacks you in the face quicker than you have time to blink?
In fact, I had one – probably my first – last week.
Let me rewind and take you back:
I’ve always been such a happy-go-lucky type of person. I liked to be the loudest, I liked making people laugh and I liked talking to people all day-every day. Basically, I wanted to be the centre of attention. ALL. THE. TIME. And I would go out of my way to be liked by everyone.
But something happened to me last week, something that hit home, and made me think.
I’d never been on the receiving end of a bully – nor have I ever been a bully – so I never knew what it was like to feel targeted, abused and made to feel two inches tall.
Until last week.
Someone said something – whether they meant it in that way or not – to me about myself that made me feel totally shit. Within 10 seconds of that statement being thrown my way, my confidence levels had stooped well below -8.
I guess you could say I should be grateful they said it to my face and not behind my back. But, in that moment, I think I would’ve rather she bitched about me in private because her words felt like someone had taken a blunt kitchen knife, dug it into my skin and dragged it across my bone until blood was seeping out of me and I laid there shriveled up on the floor, lifeless.
Those bitter words played on my mind for the next few days. I wasn’t myself – I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere, I just wanted to crawl under a rock, block the world out and cry. Bearing in mind I was the type of girl who had her phone glued to her 24/7/365 so my friends and family were understandably concerned when they couldn’t get hold of me. But I didn’t want to talk to anyone; I just wanted to bury my head under my duvet and get royally smashed.
After knocking back four glasses of wine and wallowing in my own pit for three hours on a Friday night, someone special to me – I’m going to call him ‘Y’ for the purpose of this post – called me from out of nowhere, comforted me, knocked some sense into me and made me laugh.
But it’s what he said that resonated with me and, quite frankly, has now changed my life.
He said… I have a beautiful heart.
I know, right, something so simple can literally transform your entire thought process. In a world that’s so full of hate, shallowness and bitterness, it’s hard to keep a beautiful heart.
I mean, what even is a “beautiful heart?”
Someone with a “beautiful heart” in my mind is anyone who will go out of their way to protect every living thing – whether that’s a human, an animal, a fish, a bird – and shower it with love.
Y was right. I do have a beautiful heart – we all do – but somewhere along the line it’s got lost under our obsession to reach 1000 likes on Instagram – approval from people we don’t even know – 50 matches on Bumble, 4,000 followers on Twitter and loads of ‘friends’, who, if we saw in a supermarket, we’d probably throw our heads down, ignore and hurry past.
Since when did we become defined by numbers?
That leads me onto the whole point of this (very long-winded) post: When we’re dead and all our ‘friends’ are at our funeral, what do you want them to talk about? How many followers you had on social media or how much of a difference you made to so many different people’s lives?
I know which I’d prefer.
So that’s why I’ve deleted my Instagram, Snapchat and Whatsapp apps from my phone because, rather than waste my days scrolling through heavily-edited pictures and watching people brag about how perfect their lives are in their 10-second video clips, I want to focus on my goals and aspirations. I want to make a difference in the world. I want to be remembered for my sheer determination and huge heart.
And let me tell you, a week on from deleting those apps, I’m already more creative, more loving and more determined than ever to pursue the things I love, care for and want to achieve.
So, let me ask you one more time, how do YOU want to be remembered?
Put your phone down, live in real time and explore the beautiful world we’ve been blessed with.
Peace and love x