He doesn’t want you but he won’t let you go…

At some point in life, the majority of us will go through a ‘relationship’ that leaves us fragile and wounded for way longer than it should do. In fact, it may even leave us scarred for life.

But, from my past experiences, it’s the ‘relationships’ that aren’t actually relationships that do the most damage. You know, the ones where you’re never actually together but they have you pining after them as if they were your husband for 20 years and they suddenly upped and left without a word, leaving you looking after three kids and paying the mortgage on a single income?

Before we go any further, I’d just like to clarify; I don’t have three kids, I’ve never relied on a man to pay my bills for me and he was never my husband … but you understand the comparison.

As much as you try to move on and, at times, probably succeeded to a certain extent, he never leaves it too long before he hits you up with the oh-so-innocent ‘hey, I miss you’ message. And BAM he’s suddenly regained possession of the withered heart you’ve spent the past three weeks trying to stick back together with a pritt stick you found in your pencil case from five years ago.

I was ‘seeing’ this guy on and off for about a year. I use the term ‘seeing’ loosely because the only time I ever actually saw him was at the weekend after we stumbled into one another in a trashy nightclub in Shoreditch. And, to be honest, that never ended well either –  we either stood arguing with one another outside in the rain for an hour or we’d go back to mine and have sweaty sex. Neither of which I’d ever recommend when you’re intoxicated and heartbroken.

Whenever the topic of ‘what are we?’ came up, I’d always get the response ‘let’s just see where it goes. There’s no need to rush.’ And I’d be left questioning whether I was really going to be that idiot that would continue to wait for someone who probably was never going to commit.

On reflection, I really didn’t need to ask where I stood because the fact that I was even questioning it, already gave me my answer. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not stupid – I knew what I needed to do and I knew how to do it – but sometimes a girl in love can make stupid decisions and trying to get my heart and my head to coincide with one another just wasn’t happening.

If I’m being completely honest with you, I’m still not ‘over’ this situation. There are other things now that tie me to him but, regardless of how much time goes by and how any pep talks I give myself, I always give him the benefit of the doubt and he always has “one more chance.”

I hold out hope he’s going to change and see me for who I really am, apologise for how he’s treated me (and actually mean it) and transform into the man I thought he was when we met.

The truth? I’m the one who needs to walk away. I’m the one who needs to let go and move on because there’s no 10-step rule to get a man to commit. If a guy really wants to be with you, he’ll be with you. No exceptions and no excuses. He’ll snap you up before someone else does.

Maybe that’s not how life works anymore? Maybe we’re all holding out for a fairy tale that society can’t actually deliver. But there’s one thing I know for sure, I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than continuously disrespected by a man who thinks he deserves to be a part of my life.

You’re probably reading this and thinking: ‘Why has it taken her so long to realise this?’ but remember people are fighting their own battles – some of which you can’t always see – and they will slide into the next chapter of their life when they’re ready to. It may take weeks, it may take months or it may take years but eventually they’ll feel able to turn over the page. For good.

Hons, I’m about to turn over the page <3

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